Tales of One's Capture
by keeperofcoldtoes
Summary: What if Naruto 'did' get captured by Akatsuki? What would happen? What sort of conversations would arise? What difficulties would be presented? How much can the Akatsuki members take before they go insane? Read and find out!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: No, I do not own Naruto. If I did, I would be f-ing rich.

Setting: After Tsunade became Hokage, but before the two and a half year jump.

oOoOoOo

It had only been two hours since his capture. Only two hours ago he was happily eating ramen. Only two hours ago he had been snatched away by two cloaked figures and being transported to a place unknown.

Now he was tossed over a man's shoulder like a potato sack. He couldn't bring out his chakra, but he had a funny feeling that it had something to do with the talismans they had placed on him earlier. His wrists and feet bound, and his mouth gagged with a hankerchief.

_'Stupid Jiraiya, that training didn't help me at all,' _he thought angrily.

He could feel the steady rythm of the footsteps beneath him. The rythm made his body bounce. He could feel the ramen in his stomach churning at the continued change in gravity. It was like riding in an old car that was on a road with many hills. Not that he knew what a car was anyway.

All he knew was that he was captured, bored, and nauseous. Had the cloth around his mouth been removed, he would have complained to his hearts content. Alas! Fate did not deem him worthy of such a blessing.

"Itachi, I'm getting hungry," Kisame, the man who carried him, said after a few more minutes of travel.

"Shut up," another voice, that of Itachi's, replied coldly.

Naruto sighed through the cloth. It didn't take much thought to figure out that he was going to be like this for a while.

With a half-hearted attempt, he wiggled a little beneath the man's strong arm.

"Stay still," Kisame told Naruto. The fish-man turned to Itachi, "Hey, it's your turn to carry the kid."

"No," Itachi merely replied.

"Come on," Kisame moaned, "I've been carrying him since we caught him and that was a least two hours ago! Why don't you carry him for a bit?"

"No," Itachi repeated.

"Why not?" Kisame questioned, "It's not like your doing anything else."

Itachi turned to face Kisame and glared at the fish-man.

Kisame shivered under the gaze.

Naruto felt the man shiver. _'Personally,'_ Naruto thought, _'I'd rather be carried around by the fish-dude than Sasuke's brother.'_

"Alright fine," Kisame relented, "If you won't carry him, then could we at least stop for break? My arm is starting to get tired."

"Very well," Itachi said, "There should be a lake nearby that we can rest at."

Naruto grinned beneath the hankerchief. A plan started to formulate in his head. This would be his opportunity to escape! _'This is perfect,'_ Naruto thought, _'While they take their break, the freaky fish-dude will have to put me down! Maybe, when they aren't looking, I can sneak off!' _

It had only took nearly another three minutes to get to their(as in Itachi's) destination.

It was a nice place. The lake had a sparkle to it in the sun's rays. The woods surrounding the area were teeming with life. The sky was clear. The grass was warm, and Naruto needed to go pee really bad.

When they came near the edge of the lake, Kisame unmercifully tossed Naruto to the ground.

"OOF!" was all Naruto managed to say when impact came. _'Bastard!'_ Naruto fumed in his mind.

"That feels better," Kisame muttered and leaned back so that he could pop his spine.

Naruto winced when he heard the crackle comeing from Kisame's back. It almost sounded like popcorn. He really hated that noise.

Itachi sat down on a nearby rock while Kisame stretched out on the grass.

Naruto rolled over on his back and glanced at his kidnappers. Naruto wasn't the smartest person in the world, but he did know that he shouldn't make any sudden movements or act suspicious, lest he would get caught and possibly placed in a more difficult position. So, Naruto did the more logical thing, he waited for the opportune moment. Which was quite difficult for him, since he 'was' Naruto.

"Have you ever looked at the clouds, Itachi?" Kisame asked his partner after a minute or two had passed.

"Shut up," Itachi gave his usual reply.

"No," Kisame said stubbornly, "But I mean seriously; have you ever looked at the clouds?"

"Yes," stated Itachi.

"They seem so small," Kisame said, "And yet their so big. Do you know what I mean, Itachi?"

"I don't ponder over such trivial things," Itachi said.

"Well, I find it interesting. They can create all sorts of weird shapes," Kisame said, then pointed to a certain cloud he saw, "Look at that one! It looks like a tuna fish!"

Naruto glanced up out of curiousity. To Naruto, it looked more like a tree.

Itachi obviously became annoyed because he then said, "Kisame, shut up or I'll sell you to the fish market."

"That's really mean, Itachi," Kisame muttered.

"I don't care," Itachi replied coolly.

Seeing that Kisame and Itachi were in a potential argument, Naruto seized this chance and slowly turned back on his stomache.

Once he was on his belly, he cautiously began to wiggle towards the tree line. So far, the two Akatsuki members hadn't noticed his departure.

While Naruto was attempting freedom, Kisame and Itachi continued with their conversation.

"Why is it that every time I attempt to have a civilized conversation with you, you always have to make some sort of snidely remark?!" Kisame growled at his companion.

" . . . ," Itachi was silent for a moment before he replied, "Because I can't help it."

"That's not a very good excuse!" Kisame leapt up from his former position and pointed at Itachi accusingly, "I know what it is! You think that your better than me, don't you?!"

" . . . ," again Itachi was silent.

"That's it, isn't it?!" Kisame yelled, "I can't believe it! Out of all my years of working with you, all you've done is treated me like I'm your inferior! Y-you treat me like garbage!" he stated bravely.

"Do you really think that?" Itachi asked, "You think that I treat you like garbage?" Itachi stood up and placed his hands on Kisame's shoulders.

Kisame winced at the unfamiliar touch.

"Your not garbage," Itachi said.

"Really?" Kisame asked hopefully.

"No," Itachi said in return, but paused before continueing, "Your a moron."

"W-what?" Kisame studdered.

"Your an ugly, fish-smelling moron," Itachi said, "Not only are you hideous, but your stupid as well. During our conversation, did you fail to notice that our captive is missing?!" Itachi asked threateningly.

Kisame glanced at the spot that he had dropped the blonde on, but Naruto wasn't there.

Itachi's grip on Kisame's shoulders tightened painfully, "Now go get him, before I make you into sushi."

Kisame didn't need to be told twice and he immediately set out to find the twerp.

-

Naruto crawled(actually it was more like wiggled) through the forest growth. He trying to get as far away from the two men as he could while also trying to find something sharp that he could possibly use to cut his bonds.

_'I can make it. I can make it. I can make it,'_ was what continued to cycle through the blonde's head. His optism was unrewarded, however, when he felt a hand grip onto his jacket collar and his body pushed against a nearby tree.

Naruto barely had enough time to groan when he felt another hand press against his lower back; securely pinning him to the tree trunk.

"I really hate you," Kisame spat at the blonde, "Your going to pay for trying to escape like that." Naruto winced as he felt the tree bark graze his cheek and the bitterness of Kisame's voice. It was really hard to believe that this was the same Kisame that had earlier talked about clouds.

"MM MPHR MRH MMMRHM MMM!" Naruto exclaimed beneath the cloth.

"What?" Kisame asked in confusion. He didn't know how to talk the language of 'Gagged'.

"MM MPHR MRH MMMRHM MMM!" Naruto repeated.

In aggitation, Kisame tore off the piece of cloth and tossed it to the ground, "What were you saying?" Kisame asked.

"I said," Naruto began, "that I had to go pee!"

"What?" Kisame asked again.

"That's why I left, because I had to go bad," Naruto whined a little to make it sound more convinceing. Yes, he was lying to Kisame, but the fish-man didn't need to know that. Well technically, he wasn't lying because he really did need to use the restroom.

"Why didn't you just tell us before?" Kisame didn't seem all that convinced.

"Well, duh," Naruto rolled his eyes, "I was gagged. How the hell do you expect me to tell you anything when I'm like that?"

"Alright," Kisame said, finally convinced, "Did you already go?" he asked.

Naruto gave him a look that said: What-the-hell-do-you-think? "It's kinda' hard to do anything when your hands are tied behind your back," Naruto said.

"Well, I'm not going to untie your hands, if that's what you want," Kisame said.

"Well could you do something?" Naruto complained, "I gotta' go baaaaaddddddddd . . ."

Kisame panicked, what was he to do?

TBC-

oOoOoOo

A/N: Yes. Yes. I already know that Kisame is a shark-type person but when people see sharks they think of fish and Naruto's not going to care if he's a fish or not. Sorry if some of the characters seem to be a little OOC, but it couldn't be helped(Kisame and Itachi are really hard to write about). Anyways, this fic(if wanted) could be considered as a sequel to my other fic "Sky Lend Me Your Tears". Er, I know that Kisame really isn't the type of person to go around talking about clouds, but I had to make the fic funny 'somehow'. Who knows, he just might be the type of person to wonder about such things(gigglesa little). Sorry if there were any spelling/grammar errors. I don't have any type of program that can check such faults, so all this was done by hand and mind. (yawns) I'm so tired, I think I'm going to go get a cup of coffee now and go to bed, okay? 


	2. Itachi is weeeeiiiiirrrrrrddddd

Disclaimer: I apologize, I'm afraid to say that I do not own Naruto. I'm sorry.

oOoOoOo

Chapter 2:

Itachi is Weeeiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrdddddddd . . .

oOo

Kisame thought as hard as his head would allow before he came to a conclusion.

"Why don't you just put your hands in front of you?" Kisame asked the blonde. Naruto raised an eyebrow.

"How am I supposed to do that?" Naruto asked, "My hands are tied behind me."

"Well," Kisame started, "You could just slide your legs through your arms," Kisame suggested.

Naruto thought for a moment,_ 'Didn't I do something like that in the Academy once?'_

**-FLASHBACK-**

"Now class," Iruka-sensei began, "today we will be studying the way to free one's self from capture."

Neji, who was in the back of the room, asked, "Is that why you tied us up?"

"Yes," Iruka stated and looked over the room. All the students in the classroom appeared to be around eight or nine. All of them were also bound by their wrists and ankles. Many of the students took to sitting down on the floor because it was to difficult to balance with their ankles tied together.

Somewhat further in the corner of the room, Kiba pretended his was a worm and wiggled about the area.

Mizuki, the other teacher, ignored Kiba and said, "This is the most basic form of capture that you will encounter. But before we teach you how to tie knots and such, you must first learn how to escape on your own."

"Well said," Iruka commented. Mizuki gave an overly cheery smile. Iruka cleared his throat and said, "You may begin."

After those 'inspiring' words, the class began to test their escape from the retched bonds.

Naruto groaned outloud. How the heck was he supposed to escape from this?

"I'm done," said a voice in the center of the room. Iruka looked up and smiled.

"Excellent, Shikamaru," Iruka said, "You may sit down back at your desk and do whatever you want until the rest are done."

Shikamaru walked over to his desk and laid down for a long nap.

Naruto felt a vein pop up on his head in aggitation, _'How'd he do that so fast?!'_ Naruto asked in his mind.

"I'm done," another voice said. Naruto looked up and saw Sasuke standing high and proud, _'I really hate that guy,'_ Naruto thought bitterly to himself.

"Very good, Sasuke," Iruka said, "You may join Shikamaru."

Sasuke sat down in his desk and automatically went into Angsty-Avenger Mode.

_'Okay, now this is personal!'_ Naruto thought. He simply couldn't let Sasuke-teme get the best of him.

Naruto focused all his will-power on getting loose from the bonds. Some of his classmates seemed to be having the same problems that he was.

Their hands were tied behind their backs and it was very difficult to untie the knot with their hands in such a position.

Naruto rolled onto his stomach and tried to pull his arms over his arms over his head. Unfortunately(sp?) the body can't naturally do that, so the joints of his shoulders let out a series of popping noises. "Ow!" Naruto yelled and let his arms rest on his back again. _'How the hell do I do this?'_ Naruto asked himself.

"I'm finished!" a cheery voice sounded. Naruto didn't bother to look up, he had wasted enough time already.

"Good job, Sakura," Mizuki said and the pink-haired girl sat down at her desk.

When Naruto heard the name he felt new hope, _'I'll do this for Sakura-chan!' _

Filled with a desire to impress the girl, he tried opposite of what he had formerly tried to do. He pulled his arms over his butt and rolled over into a sitting position. Naruto then slid his arms down his legs and out from under his feet.

_'FREE AT LAST!'_ Naruto thought to himself happily. Naruto glanced down at the rope that still tied him together, _'Or maybe not,'_ he added.

"Done," another voice, recognized as Neji's, said.

Naruto began to sweat nervously. At this rate, he was going to be last. . . AGAIN!

"Ow!" Naruto shouted when he felt something hit his head. The class looked at him in wonder.

"Ouch!" he yelled out when he felt the pain return. Again and again, something hit his head. He looked about in confusion when he could not find where it had originated from.

**-FLASHBACK ENDS-**

The pain continued. He shut his eyes tightly in pain. Without so much as a warning Naruto let out a yell, "AAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

The pain stopped.

Naruto opened his eyes and looked about. He was standing in the forest with a big blue guy looming over him.

"What the hell were you doing?" Kisame asked Naruto. Naruto groaned when he heard the voice. He had a really, really, really, really, really bad headache now.

Kisame snapped his fingers in front of Naruto's face. Naruto winced when the snapping noise entered his ears.

"Would you stop making all that noise?" Naruto asked.

Kisame ignored the question, "You zoned out for a moment. I thought that maybe you were unconcious(sp?) or something."

"Your not supposed to hit a person when their unconcious," Naruto muttered.

"Whatever," Kisame huffed, "Anyways, you 'can' put your arms in front of you 'can't' you?" he asked.

Naruto nearly nodded, but stopped himself. Nodding would only make the headache worse. "Yeah," Naruto said quietly and took a moment to do the very thing he did once before in the Academy.

Naruto sighed when his arms were in front of him. They were becoming quite sore in the other position.

A few minutes passed and Kisame and Naruto stood(which was hard cause he was tied together) in the same place. Staring at each other.

"Well?" Naruto said to break the silence.

"Well what?" Kisame asked.

"Go away," Naruto said.

"Why? You know I can't let you out of my sight," Kisame replied.

Naruto rolled his eyes, "Like hell I'm going to go in front of you."

"Then you turn around," said Kisame.

"No! I can't pee when someone's watching me!" Naruto argued.

"Alright. I'll turn around, but if you so much as wiggle, I'll drag you by your hair for the remainder of our journey," Kisame threatened then turned around.

Naruto stuck out his tongue at the fish-man before doing his business.

-

"What took you so long?" Itachi asked Kisame when he came out of the forest carrying Naruto.

"I had to take a piss," Naruto said before Kisame could answer. Kisame shook his head in a manner that said: What-the-hell-am-I-going-to-do-with-this-kid?

Itachi took a moment to look at the jinchuuriki, "You ungagged him?" he asked Kisame.

Kisame opened his mouth to reply, but Naruto interrupted, "Yup! And I'm glad he did because my bladder was ready to pop!"

Kisame dropped Naruto back onto the ground, "I'm getting tired of this kid," Kisame said, "I refuse to carry him any more today."

"You'll get over it," Itachi said.

"No way!" Kisame yelled, "If you won't carry him then I won't cook dinner tonight!"

Naruto raised an eyebrow and intervened, "You know, I can walk on my own."

"No!" Kisame and Itachi said in usion.

Itachi turned back to Kisame, "Fine, but we move 'now', 'and' you'll be fixing my favorite tonight." With that said, Itachi picked Naruto back up and tossed him over his shoulder.

"Dammit," Naruto growled, "Why am I always carried around like a damn potato sack?!" he asked no one in particular.

Kisame chuckled, "Because your on the menu tonight."

Naruto felt his eyes widen in horror. "T-that's not funny!" Naruto yelled at the fish-man. Kisame only gave a small chuckle.

Naruto quieted down for a few minutes. Someplace deep down inside, he prayed that he wasn't going to be eaten.

Naruto was distracted by his thoughts when he smelt something 'peculiar'.

"Itachi-teme?" Naruto questioned the Uchiha.

"What?" Itachi asked with a bit of aggervation in his voice at being called a bastard.

"Are you wearing cologne?" Naruto asked curiously.

"Maybe," Itachi answered. Kisame laughed out loud nearby.

"He wears it because he thinks that it will attract the women," Kisame explained.

Naruto's curiousity reached an astonishing peak, "Your looking for a girlfriend?" Naruto asked Itachi.

" . . . Maybe . . . ," Itachi answered vaguely. Naruto felt himself engrossed with amazement.

"Oh my God!" Naruto exclaimed, "Does that mean that your going to revive the Uchiha clan?"

"No," Itachi answered, "I killed the orginal clan. Why would I want to revive it?"

Naruto was silent in ponder. A thought entered his mind without warning, "There was this time when I was with Sasuke-teme and he said that he was going to kill you and then revive the clan."

"Really, now?" Itachi half-asked.

"Yeah," Naruto said, "But wait a minute. If you get a girl and you don't plan to revive the Uchiha clan, what 'do' you plan to do?"

" . . . ," Itachi was quiet.

Naruto wouldn't let Itachi slip by so easily, "Exactly, what 'do' you plan to do with your life?" he asked.

Itachi thought for a moment before answering, "To collect all the Jinchuuriki, rule the world, get married, have seven boys and three girls, go skinny dipping, live in a palace, kill Kisame, and kill two dozen chickens in no more than five seconds," he answered in one breath.

Naruto and Kisame felt their jaws drop.

"HEY!" Kisame yelled, "I've asked you that question plenty of times before and you never answered 'me'! What makes him so special?!" Kisame asked while pointing at Naruto.

"Nothing. It's just that this is payback for your unbearable snoring," Itachi explained.

"I can't help it!" Kisame shouted loudly.

"Shut up," Itachi commanded his partner. Kisames closed his mouth and crossed his arms with a pout.

"Uuhhhh . . . ," Naruto drawled, not really knowing how to start his question, "Wait, didn't you say that you wanted to go skinny dipping? And what's the deal with the chickens?" Naruto asked.

" . . . No more questions. Be quiet Naruto-kun before I make you," said Itachi.

Naruto closed his mouth, _'Wow,'_ Naruto thought, _'Itachi-teme sure has a way with words.'_

Kisame huffed, "It doesn't matter what Itachi does; we both know that 'I'm' the one with the good looks and charm," he said.

Itachi and Naruto gazed at him skeptically.

-

The sun slowly began to set against the horizon. Only minutes ago, Itachi had decided that it was time to start dinner. So, without so much as a warning, a napping Naruto was tossed to the ground . . . AGAIN!

"Dammit!" Naruto yelled, awaking from his pleasant dreams, "Would you people stop throwing me everywhere?! I'm not damn luggage for Kami's sake!"

"Shut up," Itachi said for the sixth time that day.

Naruto felt his eye twitch at the command, "I am getting really sick of you saying that! I hope you die with someone telling you that!"

"Shut up," Itachi repeated then turned to Kisame, "Start dinner."

Kisame rolled his eyes and he muttered in a high pitched voice to himself, "Kisame do this. Kisame do that. Kisame do everything." Naruto snickered at the fish-mans impression. Itachi gave Kisame a death glare and walked off into the forest.

"Where's he going?" Naruto asked the fish-dude.

"I don't know," Kisame said while fishing(heh, fishing. get it?) through his bag of supplies, "He probably went to take a dump."

Naruto felt his face heat up and snickered at the thought. "What'cha cookin'?" Naruto asked the fish-man.

"Don't know," Kisame said absent-mindedly and lit a fire with some spare matches.

"I thought that Itachi told you to cook his 'favorite'?" said Naruto.

"Honestly," Kisame began, "I just boil some water and toss weeds into it. Then, when it's done, I give it to Itachi and he says that he likes it."

Naruto stuck out his tongue in disgust, "Yuck! I am 'not' eating that!"

Kisame shrugged, "Oh, well. I didn't plan to give you anything to eat anyways. You can just starve for all I care."

"WHAT!?" Naruto screeched, "No! You can't do this to me! You don't understand! I'll die without food!"

Kisame looked at Naruto with a dull gaze, "Doesn't everyone?" he asked.

"No wait!" Naruto pleaded, "Listen to me, listen to meeee . . . If I don't eat at least once a day, then terrible things happen to me!"

"Whatever," Kisame said dismissively and began to work on the 'soup'.

Naruto inhaled a breath full of air before yelling, "I'M GOING TO DIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!"

TBC-

oOoOoOo

A/N: What do you think? Yeah, I'm sorry, but so far, this story has absolutely no plot other than Naruto getting captured and the tales of his journey. Hmmm, perhaps next chapter I will go over what state the city of Konoha is in. Oh, sorry but thanks to a little mistake of mine, this isn't really a sequel to my other story "Sky Lend Me Your Tears" because in that one, Naruto gets captured on his way to the hospital. In this one, Naruto gets captured when eating at the ramen stand. Also, sorry again if any of the characters seem to be a little OOC. In this fic, many bad things may happen to Itachi and Kisame, but I don't 'hate' them, I just like it when they are funny. Anything else that I need to go over? Can't think of any so I'll just end the chapter right here X. 


End file.
